The Views Of A Once Broken Girl

Memories flashing in my mind.

A tear stained face.

A cigarette in my left hand.

My iPod in my right, blasting "We Found Love" the loudest it can.

The louder the song, the more the pain disappeared into the background.

"But I gotta let it go"

I inhale the smoke, filling my lungs with it's toxicity.

What is it about extreme pain, that brings extreme pleasure?

You know you are drowning, but relish in the water depositing into your lungs.

What is it about self destruction that feels so good?

Spiraling out of control - spiraling out of my mind.

My sanity unraveling turning me into a reckless, raw yet beautiful version of myself.

Somehow at some point I saved myself from all that.

The gut wrenching pain in my mind, the aching in my heart and all that once destroyed me is gone.

Yet the longing for it remains, taking me to the tip of my destruction more often than I care to admit.

But before I let myself fall once again; I look down & realize that if I fall again, I will end up in a big black hole of nothingness.

Numb to everything.

And I just can never survive that again.

And maybe that's a good thing.