Dear Lynn.

I legit used to write myself letters every couple of years or months just to save some present inspiration for the future and I saw one today and remembered and I just remembered so now I'm doing it again.

For Lynn that went away to college... 17 year old Lynn who met a nice boy who did her very wrong, I'm so sorry. You were never ready to be hurt like that, I commend you for opening your heart and it wasn't your fault, it just didn't work out.

For 16 year old Lynn who excelled in her final exams after years of doubt from eeeeverybody, thank you for believing in yourself.

For Lynn that had her heart broken at 14 and finally getting over it after many years, I commend you too. You never lost faith that things would change and you never let yourself settle. I'm so proud of you. I never thought I would see the day.

For 12 year old Lynn who broke down in tears because those jeans made her look too skinny. Thank you for keeping on. Now, on a bad day the worst I  feel about my looks is average.

I never look at my journey and pay myself enough credit I have come a looong way and in some ways I am a warrior. I have felt things, seen things and I have been broken.

I read today about forgiveness being the first step to healing... forgiving yourself.

I'm sorry Lynn, I'm sorry about giving up on you time and time again, denying you opportunities that you clearly deserved. I'm sorry I was mean to you and put you down.

I'm sorry I insulted your intellect as well as your looks.

I'm sorry I have been so self destructive for so long, but I'm trying to change, I swear I am.

I'm sorry I defined your value in other people.

I'm sorry I have labelled you as insignificant, unimportant and unworthy, you deserve so much. It's hard to process how significant you are but every time you think you are nothing remember that you are made up of stardust that the universe sacrificed simply so you could exist.

You are the universe.

You are necessary.

I know you are stubborn and I understand that you feel entitled to happiness and don't you ever let that go.

It's gotten you in so much trouble but it has kept you alive so please stop feeling guilty about doing the necessary to be sane and happy.

You deserve it.

Keep fighting for it.

And my biggest apology yet... I'm sorry I held you back.

I'm so sorry that laziness has dictated so much of your life.

I know it has totally fucked up your ambition, and making you start from scratch is hard but you need to.

You need to believe in yourself rather than working to prove others wrong.

You need to start making choices that are dictated by necessity, rather than laziness.

Also stop looking at how you think your life should be and focus on what it is.

I give you credit for being brave, but must admit that lately you have been holding back from living and loving. Be gentle with yourself and let yourself grow.

I'm so sorry you are barely fierce or bold any more but that 17 year old Lynn was going through a lot all at once.

Rebuilding is taking so long but little growth is better than none at all.

I've noticed that lately you have this terrible "what's the point?" attitude and I have put some thought into this.

I have a headache and tears in my eyes but listen.

I'm up at midnight so I make sure you know.

You are infinite.

You are made up of life and even when you die you will be giving life

Your body is temporary but your soul goes on.

Let your soul reflect who you really are.

Let it reflect in your life and in your choices.

It deserves to be honoured, at THE highest level.

Honour thy thirsty soul.

You haven't let her flourish lately.

If you ever think you can't do it, you can't survive, remember 15 year old you in the bathroom stalls, 12 year old you who hated herself, 16 year old you who proved everybody wrong.

Things have been worse and things have changed.

Please, I beg you to love yourself as fiercely and unconditionally as you can.

I beg you to fix things in your life, to fight for your happiness and bliss.

I beg you to feed thy soul.