The Boy in The Baby Blue Shirt.

July //

Sometimes (like today) I wonder if I fell in love on purpose if this really was a punishment of sorts, if I picked this life and this was just the universe granting what I've BEEN asking for.
You're late. Again. Never mind that though.

We're going to do that thing we do when one of us is late to class.

That thing where one of us walks in and somehow our eyes find each other and I have then to feel things. Things I'm avoiding, feeling.

Anyways. I've decided to hate him today. It's easier that way.
It's a good plan, full proof plan.
But... When I walked in you were wearing that blue shirt and then I loved you a bit again.
Never mind that.
I sat down, took my stuff out.
"Focus" I whispered to myself.
See, that's when you made it harder, put your glasses on and I felt myself go weak.

Urg. I hate it when you do that. Do you even know that you do that?

I've never said aloud how fond I was with the way I liked light blue on you.

You have like 3 light blue shirts that make me fall in love with you. Again and again every time I look at you.

But still. I've gotten better at this.

Focus.
& I did.
I was doing a great job.
But see. That's when you walked up to me.
With aged Chuckies and all, with those ripped jeans and were ready to open your mouth and say something.

Something that was probably going to make me smile.
And let's not get it twisted, I realized right then that this was never a love I could have ever run from.
Still.
That didn't stop me from picking my things up and walking away like I hated you, anyway.

I always acted like I hated you. Anyway.

Like I didn't care, anyway.

Maybe I sold it a little too well.

Sometimes I did hate you.

But even then I love you, anyway.

October//

It's been months now.

We said we'd just be friends, now.

It's funny 

How I used to worry that if I kept acting like I hated you, that eventually I really would.

& you haven't worn a light blue shirt in ages.

Or your glasses.

Or your Chuckies with those ripped jeans that I never told you that I low key loved.

Which again makes me wonder, if you know. Knew.

I still miss you.

It's crazy, I know.

It's silly, believe me, I KNOW.

It's strange, how so much has changed, how you stopped being the boy in the blue shirt that I loved to just the boy I love.

& I hate. Hate. How we still do that thing when one of us is late to class. I'm trying so hard to avoid it.

& it amazes me how I never look for it, but how it finds a way to happen when I forget to brace myself or when you catch me off guard. 

So now I'm praying that one day, I will walk away like I really don't care.

Because I really don't care.

That you become a stranger, like before I met you who just looked at me because I walked in late.

But until then, I'm dreading the day you decide to wear a light blue shirt

Because on that day, I know I'm going to fall apart

Sit on the floor and howl at the moon asking why, asking when.

When light blue shirts will once again just be light blue shirts.

March //

I came over and for the first time in month, I'm seeing you in a light blue shirt.
Finally told you how nice it looks on you.
Maybe I should have mentioned that.
 The other day you wore your Chuckies with some ripped jeans, and interestingly, I didn't fall in love with you.
I guess moving on is something my heart accepted it simply had to do.