20 // Fire.
I like to think that 20 is the age when I was brave, braver than I've ever been. Not to say that I've just been brave, I've run away from conflict so many times but I promise that at the time I thought it was best.
I spent 19 being a fire after years of putting out my flame. A fire that fought and consumed, and maybe, just maybe plagued. The will to tame the fire has made me seem weak, as a coward. As if I do not enter every battle like a Masai warrior with spear in hand and as if I have not made lions bow to my strength and running with their tails between their legs. I need to stop confusing my will to grow, to be saner, as weakness.
It was not exclusively the correct path but it was not, and has never been weakness, not for a moment. I was a fire, an untamed wildfire and I sought out to control my flame and I do not think that made me weak. Within a week of turning 20 I sent my whole world ablaze and dared to start from scratch, that I would enter womanhood with what i wanted, not desperately clinging to that which refused to be mine. I set my world on fire, to start again to love again and yes, yes I was burned but did I not learn how to walk in the fire?
Did I not add gasoline with mistakes and fight melting bones to control the flame?
Did I not set my fire free to burn, and kept it from turning into wildfires that could burn down the whole world? Did I not swallow fire?
Did I not try my best, to be a better fire?
The only consequence is now the flame burns inside me
kills me
burns me.
And taming this fire, taming this fire is my new challenge.
I have learnt to tame the flames outside but now?
Now I must soothe the flames that burn inside.
& I am not weak.
I am not desperate.
I will not look for external water.
I'll find it within, I can do that.
I will do that.
I must do that.
I will survive.
& like a pheonix.
I will rise again.
I spent 19 being a fire after years of putting out my flame. A fire that fought and consumed, and maybe, just maybe plagued. The will to tame the fire has made me seem weak, as a coward. As if I do not enter every battle like a Masai warrior with spear in hand and as if I have not made lions bow to my strength and running with their tails between their legs. I need to stop confusing my will to grow, to be saner, as weakness.
It was not exclusively the correct path but it was not, and has never been weakness, not for a moment. I was a fire, an untamed wildfire and I sought out to control my flame and I do not think that made me weak. Within a week of turning 20 I sent my whole world ablaze and dared to start from scratch, that I would enter womanhood with what i wanted, not desperately clinging to that which refused to be mine. I set my world on fire, to start again to love again and yes, yes I was burned but did I not learn how to walk in the fire?
Did I not add gasoline with mistakes and fight melting bones to control the flame?
Did I not set my fire free to burn, and kept it from turning into wildfires that could burn down the whole world? Did I not swallow fire?
Did I not try my best, to be a better fire?
The only consequence is now the flame burns inside me
kills me
burns me.
And taming this fire, taming this fire is my new challenge.
I have learnt to tame the flames outside but now?
Now I must soothe the flames that burn inside.
& I am not weak.
I am not desperate.
I will not look for external water.
I'll find it within, I can do that.
I will do that.
I must do that.
I will survive.
& like a pheonix.
I will rise again.
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