The Sky Will Burn Again // Healing Poem

The green around my aura burns a dull shade because my heart is twisted.

Things have been difficult, it's pretty bad I'm not sure how I let it get like this.

At the end of the day I want to actually see the sun set the sky alight

Instead the dull dread in my chest that makes me forget that there's so much to life.

When did the war between me and him and him turn me into something I'm not

A cheater, a liar, it's poisoning my soul with words and actions disguised as gun shots

That tore through me harming me in ways that have me looking for the words to describe it

Not that I'm blaming anybody, I know this was something that I did.

Trying to dissect my bloody carcass to find answers to how I let myself be this person

Because when I was 13 thinking about relationships I didn't envision that I'd turn into this version 

The grief from my last relationship has been living in me like a dead fetus, accompanied with unsaid emotions sitting at the base of my throat.

Suffocating in the unsaid, it left us like a dead body in the ocean that can do nothing but float.

I'm not sure exactly where it went wrong

It seemed promised for so long, I thought that maybe we could belong

But something settled where the truth used to be

That decayed like a rotting tree but as the leaves fell we pretended that it was something we couldn't see

The way we were destroying each other, the way we felt was starting to fade

Acting like everything going on between us was just me trying to get laid 

Left me sitting here asking myself when you'd go

Because the broken bits in me were things I wasn't willing to show

I honestly wasn't sure how to heal from who I was with before

Which is why I stayed unready because I was questioning who I was in my core.

I'm not sure how I let it go on 

How two people surrounded with feelings so real were simultaneously emotionally withdrawn

I keep tripping over the invisible thing that makes it hard for me to let it go

Do you think that when you speak you're saying something that I don't already know?

I know it's here in this darkness, that I'll find it somewhere

But maybe when I stagger on it realize that it's what made us friends, that only in that dimension we can have something healthy to share.

Still a voice in my head questions if it was bad timing

That instead of going from him to her, that maybe I should have just let you in

But I, broken and bent didn't know how to make that happen.

Crucified myself for you though, I was dying but eventually had to scream when.

With palms bloody from constantly fighting a war.

Organs mushed up inside, emotions hitting me like tides against the shore

Did I make a mistake, should I have kept my distance?

But would we really have been friends with all these feelings, could we really help but take a chance?

What are we supposed to do with the rubble we left as torn friends, as parted lovers?

I think it's best to scratch it all and start over.

That maybe the nudge that made me feel we were soul mates of sorts

Was supposed to be just a friendly resort.

That maybe with the demise, we can do better.

And I hope I've said everything it is for me and that you understood with these well articulated letters.