Free Write // What I Know

I fell in love with him

I did, & it annoyed me.

He... I'm not very sure how to describe him.

It was like being with someone like me, but not quite.

See, I'd never hold me like that, & I'd never touch me like that

& I wouldn't let myself into my space like that.

I'd never deal with myself in that state for so long.

& I don't want to want it.

I don't want to want it.

I'm terrified out of my mind to want it & this desire to not want it is what makes it seem like I don't want it.

I honestly fell in love... reluctantly.

& it's beautiful and messed up and frustrating my goodness, sometimes it aches like hell.

Sometimes I wake up and every part of my body misses him.

Not just like sexually, but yes, it's sexual too but still... everything misses him.

Like I miss the way our feet brush and the way our legs tangle and the way our minds comprehend everything about each other... everything except us.

We walk around us like this white elephant in the room almost like a dance that we're accustomed to avoiding but... we talk about everything else which is fascinating but confusing.

I think too much so, I won't interpret this or break it down.

I don't understand it.
 I will never understand it.

All I know that as a friend or as a lover or whatever... I love him.

I try really hard not to, God is my witness, I really do.

That is all I know.