Reevaluate The Rut.

So the other night I went out and came across an old enemy become friend. And instead of dancing I took time out to talk to him about well... life!

I wish I could have told younger me that he and I would get along but I wouldn't believe it! What astounded me was how much he'd changed, how much I have changed... and how much I haven't. I've been looking at some of my friend's lives, tired of their ruts and I just realized I've been reflecting my own feelings.

2016 has been an interesting year for me. Since I had my first kiss at 13 I've either been in love with a man, been with a man, or getting over a man. Now at 21 I find myself single in every definition of the word and it's liberating... I think. It's been a year of healthier choices for my mind, heart and body. It also means looking at all my scars because love and life leave us with scars, sometimes walking and breathing scars. Today was the first time in what.. 3 years that I went out without having to explain myself to some guy, or not act a certain way because of some guy which was cool... until my scars started ripping open like earthquakes in my soul. But I mended and moved on because I was and am tired of that. Energy repeats itself and if that is the case I'd like to clear mine of the things that I don't like. If the frequency is raised then so is the amplitude so what feels good feels better and what feels bad...

That's just the thing. I'm so over the things that feel bad. At 21 it shouldn't be this complicated. So much life to live but I'm in such a strange place because I'm realizing that life isn't sunshine only when you're falling in love with a man. Or a woman. Life is falling in love with yourself, with your craft, with how the sun sets. We host entire galaxies of our own makings in our minds... in our lives! And we waste it being orthodox, being what society and Mommy and Daddy say we should be.

Being in a rut is simply being ungrateful for being alive.

I like being alive. Even when it's dark, when love lost haunts me, when life stabs me where it hurts the most and for a moment I cannot breathe. When I cannot even comprehend moving on because life does. There's a power in this. One that I'm neglecting. One that I should indulge in, rather so I can reevaluate (and fix) the rut.